A letter to a little girl, The little girl who is always within, but not always remembered, I wish time machines were real (I think they are, that’s why they have lots of phone boxes in London!) so that I could travel back and meet you as you are now; to hug you and to say these words so that you could hear them at a time you still trusted the words of others. I don’t know how to get to a time machine, and I am not really sure how they work and so I have written you a letter instead because who knows I may figure out time travel and if I do I can leave this letter with you!
I know you are still in there; You peep out sometimes in those moments I catch myself laughing from my belly or the times I stop to make a daisy chain or when I sing loudly. But you don’t visit often anymore. I understand why. I put you in charge for way too long, I expected you to do stinky adult stuff and I left you no room to play. You stopped dancing. I am sorry.
I am you and I want you to know that finally I am here to take care of you. You maybe won’t believe that, I don’t blame you, all you have ever heard in your young life is false promises.
I am a mother now and to realise I have neglected you brings me hurt but I also feel pleased that I can be here now. If you let me. Because little girl you are wonderful and I ask you to learn to trust this adult world so that you will shine again. Here is a letter I wrote for you:
Hello you, You are so lovely. Lovely in lots and lots of different ways, yes you are pretty and you have eyes that shine, but you are lovely in many, many other ways, lovely for just being you!
Others can see you now, they see you are worthy of love, as you grow up you forget this. Try to remember it as you grow. You are worthy of love. Please remember to love yourself too.
At some point you stop seeing the world as it is, you view yourself and others through the lenses your mother gave to you. Please open your eyes lovely girl and see. See yourself as you were made to be, don’t see through the tainted lenses your mother gave to you- those lenses will lie and tell you that you are ugly and fat and worthless. They lie.
Don’t be afraid. This isn’t a trick. You can trust other people, that wisdom you have which is far beyond your years…use it to recognise real love. Some people will do bad things, you already know this, but I promise that not everyone is bad. There are good people who will love you, if you let them. Please let them. And remember this also, if they hurt you it is the blame on them, it is not a reflection on you.
You are funny and you make others laugh, sometimes people are uncomfortable with themselves and when you shine they will say mean things. You can be sorry for those mean people if you want, but walk away, those aren’t your people.
You are interesting and clever, some people won’t like this either they will say you think too much or that you are too deep, darling maybe they don’t think enough! Again, it is okay to walk away if that is what feels right. Walk away from those who aren’t your people, when you love yourself and know who you are, you will find your tribe.
You will sometimes be mean too and sometimes you will do things wrong. That is okay because sweetie, you learn from this. You learn and grow and change. That is called being human. Your guilt will act as a moral compass and it will tell you when you act in a way that does not fit with your core truth. Listen to it, learn from it but do not live with it. It is heavy. Move on. We cannot change the past (until we figure out time machines at least- I am working on it).
The words which your mother gave to you are lasered on your heart, as you grow, without knowing, you live by these words. You think you move on and in many ways you do, but still in those times of vulnerability and in those times of solitude, her words haunt you and tell you who you are. They don’t have to, because what I know now is that your mother saw the world through her own tinted and tainted glasses- she never takes those off and never will, but you can. Please see with truth and love.
Your mother tells you in many ways what the world is, she is wrong. You believe her because you cannot possibly know any different. Be brave lovely, if you dare to look you shall see that the world is wonderful and there is so much love and adventure out there for you.
You will be a parent one day and I know you are a good mummy but you will doubt this until you take those lenses off. You will say you have done it wrong or that they don’t love you. That is your mother talking. You aren’t her. You are lovely and kind and brave and wonderful. You won't always get it right, you won't be a perfect mum because you were never shown how. You will love your children though and protect them as a mother wolf who cares for her pack. Your children will always feel safe in their beds and they will know in their hearts that you always tried your best; even when you are exhausted from the heavy load you carry in your heart and the inherited wounds you have carried in your flesh.
Love your body, the body that now allows you to twirl and leap, like a ballerina so free! Don't hate your body, release it and please don't stop dancing. Dance not for others but dance your own dance and twirl to your own rhythm.
You one day choose to break the chain, you take a risk and you don’t do what is easy but you do what is right. You will one day take those lenses of, but little one please do it soon, if the time machine works then it will save us so many years of self-hatred and pain. So much time spent on self-doubt and self- neglect.
You must know that none of
what has happened to you is your fault. You are not neglected because you are ugly, your mother doesn’t drink because you are fat. She doesn't beat you because you are stupid. She does those things because she chooses to.
You may choose to forgive your mother but you might not. You will sometimes feel confused and wonder why she didn't love you the way a mother loves a child. Inside a really quiet voice will whisper that it was your fault, it will tell you over and over that if your mother couldn't love you it proves no one else will either. That voice whispers so frequently that you forget it is there; You believe it and without knowing, you live by it, you confuse it as truth.
The voice that whispers is a liar. Again I tell you it wasn't your fault. Try not to carry hate and resentment for your mother; she had battles and pain of her own, it was her job to heal but she wouldn't or maybe couldn't. I ask that you let that go now, not for her, but so that your own heavy heart may feel light once again, the way it was born to be.
You are sad a lot because you deserve a safe space filled with love and you don't have it; I can’t give it to you yet but one day you will have a lovely home and in it you shall live with your own family. The house will never be quiet and if you decide to stop listening to your mother’s words and listen to the chaos and laughter of home- you will never be lonely.
Be your own best friend but make friends too, the right friends will help you grow and you will be a good friend to them too.
You are lovely. You use this time in your life and the sad things in you to help you understand people. You become a person who sits with others whilst they are in pain; you help them to heal because you have an idea of what they need. For a while you forget to heal yourself. You become an adult and I am sorry to say but the adult forgets about you too for a while. Please forgive her, for she is you and she did not know any other way, she did what she did because she needed to survive.
As I write this to you I don’t think I will try time travel afterall, that would mean to put more responsibility on you and you are a child. It is not your job to take on these tasks, and I am reflecting and thinking that maybe if you heal sooner your life will turn out differently and as strange as this may sound I do not know if that is the best thing; for while it will save you so much pain and misery you would stay safe and make different decisions. The path you do take which leads to here is hard but here is good. The people in your life are good and you have your family now. You use your experience of your path to help others when they stumble and fall on theirs.
What I do think is that I will read this aloud to you when you are ready. When I am ready to care for you in a way you deserve. The time travel thing wouldn't work anyway, I dont know the first thing about it and you chat through every science lesson at school.
You deserve the best! You really are great little one.
One day you and I will fly high. We will dream those dreams that you dared once to dream. Those hopes of yours that I bury after so much despair will come back to us and we will follow them. And we will once again shine bright. Like the brightest, twinkliest star in the sky.
I love you.
Just hold on.
It does work out in the end.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.